Sibling Estrangement
By the one who has been kicked out of the circle
I’ve been reading a lot of articles and listening to POD Casts about this topic. I will start by saying I am not a licensed professional. I am simply sharing my experiences and thoughts on the subject. Perhaps it will spark discussion out there in the wild.
A common thread with everything I can find about estrangement is that the person who decides to estrange themselves from you typically has no real reason. This has been really hard for someone like me that is very logical. To me there must be something specific that was said or done to deserve this. My sister estranged herself from me a couple years ago. I have been searching desperately to find a reason for this, a specific thing I said or specific thing I did. Unfortunately the professionals that have publicized anything about this topic are right…there is no one thing or reason.
This all started for me when my conversations with my sister would turn into her screaming. I had never experienced this before with her. A call that was intended to be a simple ‘hi how are you’ type of phone call would turn into what I refer to as the howler screaming monkey on the other end of the line. When someone is screaming at you for seemingly no reason it is shocking. It’s hard not to scream back as a knee jerk reaction. I am not perfect in this area in general so it was very hard to try to keep my cool. I was not always successful.
Our mother had been experiencing the same thing with my sister. We had talked on several occasions about this trying to figure out what’s causing this. To our surprise, my sister eventually sent us a group text saying “April has suggested this for years, maybe it’s time to go to family counseling”. At first no one responded except me who jumped on the chance to figure this out. The severity of the situation was just beginning to rear it’s ugly head. The first red flag was when my sister deemed my counselor suggestions as not qualified. She went as far as calling one of them fraudulent. Mind you, this was a licensed professional that provided proof of her credentials. Simply because the suggestion came from me this total stranger was deemed unqualified and called a fraud.
My sister was never able to produce a suggestion for a counselor. Our mom came up with someone through her network of acquaintances. Lets call this counselor Judy out of caution to not get myself sued. Judy had our first session with all three of us on Zoom (this was in 2020 during the pandemic). My sister proceeded to start unloading 40 years of her own issues. I say they are her own issues because at the end of the day the way each of us choose to live our lives is our own decision and should not be projected onto others. The single most hurtful thing my sister said to me in all of the sessions was that “she has never felt close to me my entire life”. This was said to me early on in our counseling journey.
For my 44 years on this earth I have always felt close to my sister. We are the only siblings, she’s the older one of us. I would escape my kindergarten classroom to get to my sister. She would speak for me as most big sisters do. She helped teach me how to read. We comforted each other through our formative years growing up. All I have known is a loving, smiling, hugging, finishing each others sentences, knowing what Friends episode we’re going to reference, breaking out into song together and laughing until we peed our pants kind of relationship. This is the sister I have known my whole life so to be told that she doesn’t feel the same way and never has was very traumatic.
Some might say that the comment isn’t really that bad. That it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and there’s a difference between feeling close versus sibling love. I understand all of that completely. Where I struggle with that concept in my situation is that the person she showed me my whole life was that we had a close sister bond and now I’m being told that it was false. That turns it into feeling like I’ve been lied to my whole life.
I also struggle with that concept because most counselors immediately default to the party that is saying they have been hurt in some way. The party that is crying or is saying things are bad. This turns into the person that is being accused of causing this hurt being at fault. This default mode happens whether it’s based on facts or not, feelings and crying is enough. What happens when the party that is feeling hurt is actually living in an alternate reality and is being validated? When the hurt party is convinced that their version of reality is so right that it becomes fact in their mind. Is it really fact just because they feel strongly or should it them become a matter of helping the person living in an alternate reality find a way out and back to reality? What happens when the hurt party is given permission to stay in the alternate reality? Is more damage being done by the default mode?
As the person in this story that is being told that I am the one with problems and the reason that every interaction is bad, I have really questioned if the typical counselor approach actually does more damage than good. Does giving the “hurt” party authority or permission to continue living in this alternate reality only gas light the situation? What if the accused person in the scenario, me, has done nothing wrong. Acknowledging someones feelings should be different than validating them as if they are fact. Our short time with Judy was very heavily leaning towards validating and giving permission to my sister supporting her incorrect assumptions as if they are fact just because she feels strongly. Our short time with Judy ended in total estrangement. Does that fact validate my theory that this default mode actually caused more harm?
As much as what my sister has said hurts me and all of the damage she’s done I still circle back to worrying about her. Yes it hurt to be told all of your happy memories are false. Yes she has screamed at me like a howler monkey. I have never heard self destructive phrases coming out of my sisters mouth like she said in counseling. Never. Ever. Hearing her say things like “I’m not good enough”, “ I’m not doing life right”, “I don’t feel good about myself” and “I need to be fixed” is extremely concerning from my perspective. Like I said, I’ve never in my life heard my sister speak about herself in that way. All of these comments from her were said in almost every single session with Judy. Is the default mode so strong that Judy missed a chance to really help the root cause of the situation which is that my sister has personal issues? Was an opportunity missed and the focus was only on the illusion of what might be causing this….which was thought to be me? This isn’t meant to act like I’m perfect. Had I known or had any clue that she was feeling this way I know I would have slowed my roll to find out if there’s anything I can do to help. The problem is that I had no clue.
Against the law I recorded the last 4 out of 7 sessions with Judy. These last 4 sessions were just between me, my sister and Judy. Our mom was not included after the first couple sessions. I have lots of opinions on this too because it was supposed to be family counseling. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me how you can have family counseling if you start excluding family members. Hmmm.
While I acknowledge recording the sessions was against the law I’m so glad I did it. I’m glad I did it because it’s the only thing I have left of my sister. It’s the only thing I have to hear her in her own words why this is happening. It’s no longer just my recollection or interpretation of what she said. It’s also no longer my recollection or interpretation of what I said. As you can imagine there has been a lot of he said she said going on. That’s pretty normal. Unfortunately it was getting out of control in our situation. Just how out of control I didn’t realize until about a year later having listened to the recordings over and over again. Things I had missed over and over again finally started to click about a year later.
As I mentioned earlier I was listening so closely for one specific thing that said or did to cause this. Something that I could apologize for and resolve the whole thing. While I was listening so intently for anything along those lines I missed the one snippet that broke the atom wide open so to speak. Here’s how the conversation played out:
Judy: “Sibling you have this assumption that April views you in a specific way and that may or may not be true. That she’s judging you. That she’s unwilling and stubborn. April is being hurt by these assumptions because she’s saying, I’m not completely unwilling, I’m here, I’m reading the stuff that Judy’s sending me, I’m trying to understand what’s happening, I’m spending money I don’t have to try and work on our relationship. I just, I can’t completely change my personality…. And I’m wondering how you’re hearing that?”
<what Judy just said is the reality>
Sibling: ….silence for a long time….“Umm”…..silence for a really long time….”Umm, I think it’s correct that I have an assumption because of what I have seen happening in these sessions. Because I don’t know what April’s doing outside of this. I don’t know that she’s doing all the assignments and if she’s having conversations with you outside of this. There’s no way for me to know those things. And, to know that she’s actually doing the homework, I’m actually surprised to hear that because I don’t know that. Umm, I … “
<This is sibling’s alternate reality when she says ‘what I have seen happening in these session’ as if it’s a fact, but in reality it’s an incorrect assumption.>
Judy: “I guess I would go back to why is it so hard to trust that she would be interested in resolving the conflict?”
Sibling: “Umm…I don’t know. It is, it’s surprising to me. I feel like I can look back and find significant moment in my life where April has not shown up just as a family member or so umm it is surprising to me”.
That conversation where Judy pointed out that she is making assumptions that aren’t true led me to realize that the way she views me today is based on an aggregate of incorrect assumptions that have compiled in her mind since we were kids. Incorrect assumptions that are not based on anything that I actually said or did. I had no idea this was happening and it’s really painful this late in life to be told that.
This Ah Ha moment helped free me but also made me feel sad. It’s sad because it really means there’s nothing I can do to help the situation. There’s nothing I can say to help change this situation. The situation is what it is until she decides to dig into why she is choosing to live in an alternate reality based on incorrect assumptions. It’s sad that she’s choosing to live in perpetual negativity regarding her only sibling.
This brings me back to my original theory. The counselor is the one who pointed out this revelation. Judy is the one who pointed out that her view of me is not based on anything but incorrect assumptions. This same counselor completely ignored this realization immediately after saying it. In that same session the next sentences were about my sister not trusting that I did the homework. To her it was fact that I didn’t do the homework between the sessions. The reality is that I did do the homework and actively asked for more things I could work on. My sister repeatedly referenced that I’m not doing the work between sessions and Judy never stopped to correct her and ask her to really think about why she’s convinced that her assumption is correct. Judy never stopped her and asked her to face the reality that I am doing the homework and perhaps she’s wrong. This didn’t click with me until a year later and after listening to these recordings at least 1–2 dozen times.
Granted hind sight is always 20/20 I still wonder how much damage was done in these few sessions just because the default was to validate and focus on the party that was saying they are “hurt” in some way. This default mode is so strong it actually superseded the root cause of this whole situation.
Other things I missed until much later were little statements sprinkled in clearly indicating that my sister was having secret conversations with Judy between the sessions. Yep the other incorrect assumption my sister thought I was doing was actually what she was doing. These side conversations completely influenced and drove the sessions before they even happened. I know, you might be saying that Judy is just a really shitty counselor. That may or may not be true. I still wonder if the training counselors go through is so focused on this default mode that they actually feel like they did a good job. I don’t know, but I could care less about Judy. I lost my sister.
When I listen to POD Casts about this topic I hear over and over again the therapist making it ok to set boundaries. That the hurt party should set firm boundaries. The hurt party should empower themselves by setting boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about healthy boundaries. It scares me to think of my sister being told this because it gives her permission set boundaries that are being used as weapons. A boundary being used as a weapon is no longer a healthy boundary. To me this is another scenarios of the default mode. Speaking to the general topic is never going to fit all scenarios. One size doesn’t fit all right?
This generalization of the estrangement topic, setting boundaries specifically, really only applies to extreme ends. Extreme ends like if someone was actually abused in some way. I can completely support setting a boundary that excludes the abuser from ones life. I ask again, does it help to support someone like my sister that feels she was abused or hurt, and while the feelings might be real they don’t match reality? How does it help her to really deal with the root cause of her feelings if all that’s done is continually feeding the alternate reality monster telling her it’s correct? It’s kind of like dogs that are scared of things like loud noises. If you console the dog and hold them every time they react to the loud noise it’s actually making the problem worse. The loud noise isn’t going to hurt them just like I am not out to hurt my sister. If the dogs reaction is not being “rewarded” then the dog does less of the reaction. If you continue to reward the dog by holding them and petting them, that sends a message to the dog that it is the correct reaction. My sister is keeping people in her life that encourage her reaction to me. Anyone that challenges this behavior is now excluded from her life. So I ask again, is this approach actually helping and empowering her or is it making it worse?
The people allowed into my sisters circle believe every word she says. My sister avoids anyone that questions her. None of the people in her life now know me at all. What does that tell you? To me it supports my theory that the default mode amongst counselors is also in the general public minds. The people that are supporting my sisters alternate reality is just another way to validate and give her permission and reward her therefore feeding the monster.
Before our counseling sessions, our mom and I had a session with the person my sister considered unqualified and fraudulent. My sister didn’t attend as you might have guessed. Our mom and I thought it wouldn’t hurt to keep the appointment anyways. At this time we hadn’t heard any of what my sister later disclosed. Our focus was just the screaming howler monkey on the other end of the line. The default mode that I keep referring to is so strong, that counselor also supported my sister simply because it sounded like she is hurting. My sister wasn’t even there and this was the default suggestion. Our mom and I were and still are desperate to help my sister and continually keep being told that we should just coddle her and apologize for absolutely nothing. I don’t see how this is helpful.
Knowing what I know now I question more and more why human nature is to coddle anyone and anything that cries wolf. How can it be helpful to do this when the root cause of why the person feels bad could be helped? Wouldn’t it be a longer term solution to help that person deal with the root cause of why they feel the way they feel? I truly believe if my sister could rewind and figure out why she is making these incorrect assumptions about me and who I am then she can begin to see me for who I really am which is not a monster. By no means am I saying that I’m perfect. There’s certainly things I can do to help her through that like softening my approach. This isn’t an article about me being right and she’s wrong. It’s about concern for her wellbeing.
The moral of my story is to ask the question why before defaulting. When you can clearly see that someone is hurting and the reason for the pain is not based on facts, then support their healing by trying to get to the root cause. This does not mean to discount hurt feelings, that’s not good either and could also make things worse. In my humble untrained opinion acknowledging real feelings while getting to the root cause seems like a better approach and honestly what I thought counselors were supposed to do.
